Memento

I am sorry I did not meet you at the water fountain……

I know we never made plans to go to the water fountain. I know we never made plans to throw quarters at the water fountain. But the water fountain is where my mind takes me.

 At that moment you would ask me how I truly feel about you. At that water fountain I would freeze and look deep in the water. At that moment I would ask the water how it feels to have objects thrown at you without any consideration of how you feel about it. At that water fountain I would look at you and see innocence deep in your eyes. At that water fountain I would notice just how much you hold inside yourself, but yet continue to March on every day. At that moment I would realize you are a walking water fountain. You have things thrown at you every day that you do not deserve, but you calmly keep floating. At that water fountain, I would realize I was about to add on to the things thrown at you. Maybe I did not realize where you belonged was right next to me. Maybe I did not realize the safest place you could be was right next to me. Maybe I did not realize I could fly you out of your darkest place someday. Instead at that water fountain, I would tell you that someone else was taking me away. I would watch the innocence disappear from your eyes. I would see the tears make their way to the water fountain. I would see the water fountain claim you as its own. As you drift away in the fountain I would yell as loud as I could “It is not your fault”, but it would already be too late. You were already drifting into the fountain, back to your dark place. The place where you hope no one can hurt you, the place where you can cry alone until you cannot cry no more.

I never made it to the water fountain. I left you standing there alone. Too scared to face up, too scared to tell you “I am going with her”. So, I left you standing, waiting for me to never come.

I keep imagining what it would be like, to just hold you tight and tell you “it is not your fault, you did not do anything “. But those words ring hollow to someone who has always felt like it is always their fault. No words can patch up what the heart has endured. Maybe it will get easier with time. As we fly away to different paths, I will always remember the laughter. I will always remember the safe space we shared. I will always remember the secrets we shared. I will always remember the things we never had the chance to say.

I will always remember the water fountain I did not meet you at. Chasing my dreams that I have no idea where they will lead me to. Making selfish decisions hoping they will give me happiness. Truthfully, I have no idea what happiness is. I feel closed up and on a time clock. A ticking bomb ready to explode at any minute. You are probably asking “what exactly do you want me to say?”. In all honesty, I do not know what I want you to say. I just hope the hate is temporary, and one day you will see it as I did what I thought was best. Just like you, I did not see it coming.

All I can say is, you did nothing wrong. So why did I do you wrong? Hopefully, we will always have that water fountain.