These words I am about to put to paper might as well be the death of me. The man that once was a boy, is unraveling right in front of you. He once had it all figured out, but now he knows he was nothing but a blind man walking backwards. This is no fiction, this is no made up story, this is no script. This is I, broken down and beaten. This is I, wanting to be swallowed up by the ground so no light can find me. This is I, not wanting to speak but still trying to put on a brave face because life moves on. Maybe one day I will love the world like I should. But for now, this is I, and that is all that I am.
I have not prayed in so long that God will not even listen to me anymore. I am on my knees asking for forgiveness for things I have not done. I am on my knees asking God to make you realize I am the one for you. Imagine that, I am not praying for anything else, but for you to come back to me. Surely you made a mistake. Surely you know better, you know no one will ever love you like I do. Surely it was an honest mistake when you were not even willing to fight. How could it be? that you did not even bother to tell me “stay, you are not going to leave me”.
It is easier to say we are just friends. It hides the fear of exploring our feelings. It makes the lie easier. The lie that does not dare slip from my lips. This lie is that I am scared. I am Scared of what is ahead and how it may change me. Dramatic as it may seem, it engulfs me whole. See I was never taught to explore my feelings. So, I tuck them away in the deepest part of the ocean. Maybe one day I will swim to them, I hope I drown before I reach them. I hope I never get to see them. I rather live cold, then be in fear of being at someone else’s mercy. Why would I want to be affected by someone else’s actions? Why would I want to be worried because I have not heard from them all day? Why would I want to wonder if someone genuinely loves me? Why would I want to feel sad because I am not with that person?
They say the beauty is within the chaos of emotions. I say I rather live cold and emotionless. For there is a sense of peace that you gain from not allowing anyone in. There is a sense of ownership you get from being the only one to truly have yourself. Maybe it is a lonely path to walk. But the beauty of silence is unmatched. When I swim towards the deepest parts of the ocean, I will ask how does it feel to be so quietly dangerous?
When I walk in my deepest silence, I will ask the ground what it feels like to be walked all over. I will ask the ground if earthquakes are the revenge of a scorn lover.
No, I do not miss you
However, Sometimes I forget how to breathe
I think the sun is going down
Maybe the sun is going up
Pardon me for my confusion
See, I would not be able to tell you. For you see I have not been able to see anything past my dark walls for days now. I am not sure if I am
sad, mad, traumatized, angry, unfulfilled, blessed, disappointed, dead, alive, hollow, empty, thinking too much, thinking too little, going crazy, not going crazy, in love, not in love,
This is where I sound bat shit crazy. I have been pacing back and forth in my room thinking of all the words I did not say. I picture you sitting down while I express all my emotions and you saying, “damn maybe I made a mistake”. You have to excuse my little brain; it does not know reality from fantasy. It keeps replaying all the memories we made as if it just happened yesterday. Well yesterday seems like an eternity ago. An eternity ago, oh an eternity ago, there was a fusion in our nature. There was a bond that was as tight as a mother’s grip. Or so I thought, is this the part where I start questioning everything? Hmm, it is quite interesting how what seemed so real then, now looks as if it was a figment of my imagination. But it was real, I swear I was there. Or maybe it feels now like I was there by myself. Maybe, just maybe, the whole time I was in a union with my imagination. Once again, excuse my silly little brain. For it does not know reality from fantasy.
I have loved you recklessly. And now I am in my own head asking how I could have been so stupid. How I could have allowed myself to be so happy when I know happy endings are nothing but a myth.
I know promises were never made. But I cannot help but feel empty. I felt like the world promised me you. But After years of waiting, I walk away with nothing. Sad ending to an ending that I should have seen coming miles away. Even when I held you, I knew deep down inside you were somebody else’s. Lies I told myself to make excuses for your actions. But little did you know the whole time, you were killing me slowly. Every action gave me a cut as a reaction, but I took the pain because I had hope for us. Years went on, still I waited. That is how much I have always loved you. Never willing to give myself fully to anyone because it all belonged to you. But now here I am. Wondering and pondering, everything.
I refuse to believe this was all an act. I refuse to believe I did not hear those words come out of your mouth. I refuse to believe I imagined all of this. I swear I am not making this up. I swear I am not lying. I swear you were on my bed when we were being vulnerable with each other. I swear you were the one that was looking at me in the eye when you…….
They always say if you love someone bad enough, you need to let them go. I wish you did not let go of me first. I know you were torn between me and your freedom, but I can only say how much I wanted you to grow wings and fly. But I wanted you to fly with me. But I flew alone and crashed hard into the ocean. Drowning in my own despair, with no life saver. All I wanted was to give you all of me. All I ever wanted was to know you cared about me. But even the simplest request of mine, seemed like asking for the world. I can never understand that. I can never understand why you just could not care for me enough.
Those late-night beach drives do not feel the same. Watching the moon has lost its luster. I sit in silence letting my mind play your voice over and over again. I have not slept in weeks, all because I keep dreaming of you and what we could have been. I keep hoping, if, if, if, if I wish hard enough, you would be right next to me watching the stars. But just like deep in me, the sky is empty. I wish I could whisper in your ear how much I love you. I wish I could show you how much I want to protect you. I wish I could tell you how much I hate being without you. I wish you could see, how you were slowly killing me all of this time.
I am not here faking my feelings. The way you make me feel no one can even come close to it. As desperate as it sounds, I wish I could go back in time and make you stay. But you still would leave me, you left me a long time ago. I was too caught up dreaming of what I thought we would be to ever see what you are. Hurt people hurt other people, and for the longest you have been slowly cutting me deep. These scars of mine will never heal.
Our generation has messed us up. It is easier to say we are just cool, we are chilling. Afraid to admit feelings we keep deep down. Being toxic as fuck like it is a tune to dance to. Being heartless like it is something to brag about.
I am not afraid to tell you that I miss you, I am not too prideful to tell you that I want to cry sometimes, I am not shameful to tell you that you are the only person I have ever wanted.
Oh, how I wish I could feel nothing. So, I do not have to pretend that everything is simply fine. So, I do not have to have my smile hide the tears I want so desperately to drop. I wish I could be as okay as people think i am. But I am not okay, I am not good. I am sick, I am tired, I am lost, I am in my own head. Tragically I am crumbling inside, being swallowed by my own thoughts. All because I never saw a future without you.
I hope one day you will realize how much I have always loved you. I keep hoping you will call me and tell me you are missing me as much as I am missing you. I keep hoping you will tell me for us do it all over again, but this time the right way. I want to hate but I could never, I want to believe you never wanted to hurt me. I want to believe that. I want to believe all those times I picked you up in front of your house and let you drive us around with no destination, that those times meant something. I want to believe that all those times we walked on the beach late at night talking about our hopes and dreams, that those times meant something. It seems like I want a lot. But truthfully, I would give anything to hear you say
THAT I AM YOURS
I would give anything to hear you say
YOU WANT ME AS MUCH AS I WANT YOU
These words I will never hear because happy endings are a myth.
So, what is this feeling exactly? I feel hurt, but I am not in physical pain. Well actually, I hurt every time I try to breathe. Maybe because I want to stop breathing. Maybe if I stop breathing, I will not feel how I do. I can not eat, there is no taste to anything. everything is bland or it taste like acid. I am here, but I am not here. My body is on auto pilot. It knows what it needs to do without me controlling it. I am a walking hollow shell. I do not feel alive, but yet I am hurting all over. It seems like someone is throwing darts at my heart and hitting the right spot each time.
I keep thinking about, what you are thinking about. But I do not know what you are thinking about, because the person I thought I knew is not you. So how can I possibly know what you are thinking about, when you are a stranger to me now?
See how that works?
Do you see what I am dealing with? Well of course not, I mean how can you possibly. If you did, maybe you would not do me like you did. I get it, I get it, no one is immune to getting hurt. I am not the first or the last that will be heartbroken. But, at this moment, I feel like my world has shattered. I feel like life has no meaning. How dramatic? These tears do not feel dramatic at all. They burn my face every time I shed one. Every drop that falls from my face is the realization that you do not love me like I love you. But I am not hard to love.
Am I hard to love?
I keep hoping I will open my phone up to “I am sorry, I made a huge mistake”. But I keep opening my phone to a picture of us that I just can not delete. It reminds me of the good times we had, when I thought the world had some good in it. it reminds me of the bond we had, that bond has faded into the atmosphere.
I dreamed an awful dream last night….
A double barrel shotgun was pointed at me. The shooter took one slow step after another, I never budged. See once upon a time I use to be afraid of death. The thought of not existing use to haunt me, my mind could never accept it. The shooter placed the barrel on the top of my head. Without hesitation, the trigger was pulled. The shotgun blew my spirit away and left my body a hollow shell. You see, I once was afraid of death. Now, I welcome it with open arms. The hollow shell that I call my body, is nothing more than an empty vessel that I ejected out of years ago. Death is calling my name; I hear the footsteps rapidly approaching. Whether it is by my hands or someone else’s, that remains to be seen. What I do know is, my time is almost up. I have fully accepted the notion of not existing anymore. Death is nothing more than an inevitable process that I am waiting for. See death is not what I am afraid of, I am afraid of what comes after the lights go off. I woke up swimming in the deepest part of the ocean. I heard a sweet soft voice, it said “ask me anything?”. I took a moment or two, I politely asked for peace.
Peace is all I ask for. peace is all this man wants. Well not technically. I want you, yes, I do. I know I said I do not miss you, but we both know that to not be true. I want to go back to us fighting and then making up. I want to go back to those nights of being under the stars, naming them dorky names. I want to go back to making you laugh before that smile started to fade. I want to go back to wanting satisfaction from seeing you. But a great man once said, “Happiness comes from reason’s restraining of indignation and appetite, not the unleashing of them in pursuit of maximum satisfaction”. So now I am lost in my own head, wondering if my wants truly even matter. I am lost. I do not know if I am awake. I question everything I see. Reality has slipped from my grasp. It used to be in the palm of my hands. But now I look at my hands wondering which side is real. All because I want what is bad for my nature. So now I am left picking between my heart and my soul.
It has been a few years, and I am still trying to be strong. Loneliness closes in then fades out like a bittersweet game life is playing with me. A few years ago, it was all about play fighting on the shore of the beach, kissing during sunsets and building for the future. It has been a few years of thinking too much, choking on regret, and grappling with letting go. I picture myself on that same beach we use to be at but running away from our memories. I am wearing an all-black suit and shoes to mourn our end. As I am running, our memories are being played behind me. I picture it being like a highlight getting played back at a sporting event. The days we spent together, the trips we took, the fights we had, the way we made up after, the kisses that were so tender they almost felt surreal. The further I run, the larger the memories being played are. My shoes are the first thing that come off, they slip off as I am picking up speed.
My pants come off second
My suit jacket and shirt are the last to come off
My naked body is running towards the edge. Except now those memories of ours have shifted to be ahead of me. Me realizing that the more I run from it, the more it outruns me. The memories take over my whole view, all I see is you and I holding hands at the edge of a mountain. Except this part is now a memory. As we are holding hands, the ground is parting beneath us. It is at this time that I make sense of the fact that, my naked body represents how vulnerable you left me. The ground separating is the distance that started to grow beneath us. But I was too busy looking back at the great times we had, to not realize we were growing apart. As the memories start to fade, my running naked body is noticing the ground under me is splitting. In 3….2….1…. I fall into the abyss of what we use to be. I wonder why I fell straight down, but It ends with falling down in reverse. Was it to see the last imagines of us walking away from each other?
It is just not fair. We should have fell together. But I did not pack a parachute to rescue myself from the fall. Maybe I should have been good at pretending, it saved you from falling with me. Or maybe I should have just been more realistic of the present instead of what I wanted it to be. Maybe it was synthetic. Being realistic was never my strongest attribute with you, I always preferred to think of happy endings.
But I must choose my soul before my heart.
So, for that reason I must say, I am through with you. We will never see the sunset again. The beauty that is within the sight of it will always be blurred by the fog of our insecurities. We will never see the sunrise. The magic that it gives to the universe will always be tampered by the wrong cards we chose. When we stand, our feet will never get to touch the ground. Our anxieties will keep us from the feel of each step. Maybe one day I will get the chance to ask the ground how it feels to keep going, even after the world is constantly stepping on you. I hope she will say that it gets better with time. That patience is priceless when the world takes you for granted. Maybe we were never meant for this life. Frankly, maybe we are in the wrong universe. How else can you explain how we are meant for each other but continue to poison each other with venomous words that are needless. Maybe I can one day ask the sun, how it feels to be a shining light, but constantly unappreciated. I am infatuated with the air that I breath. It is the only thing that makes this life worth it. It is my armor of freedom. When I am shackled with the weight of my despair, I remember that breathing is my Lord and savior.
Is it not the most beautiful thing to be able to effortlessly breathe on your own, but forget how to breathe when that one person is in your presence?
Open ended questions I ask myself because I am afraid to admit that closure is what I yearn for. but what I want and what I need will never mix again. my soul will take precedent over my heart.
But I have no heart. I am an empty broken man on the ledge, waiting to be pulled back. You have opened up all my demons I have fought to hide all these years. Now I am left alone with them in my room. Only this time, they are winning.