Reincarnation

The sun is about to set

I am walking down the meadow that we once held hands at. No shoes on my feet, I want every step to hit my very core. We used to walk down this path for hours while we discussed our big dreams and how we planned to take over the future. Now as I walk barefoot, all I hear is you silently screaming my name. The smell of lavender flowers reminds me of the lotion you once used. The scent that always told me you were near. It seems like forever since I last held you, I still feel you on me. When I look down at my hands, I see yours right on top of them. The spaces between my fingers were made, so yours could fit perfectly in them. But now they are left empty like the life we once shared. I am not sure what to do from here, where do I go from here? I find myself coming back to this sacred place where I still sense your presence. I was never known for making wise decisions. This is not healthy but still I keep coming back to this place of ours.

Forgetting about you is the hardest battle I have ever faced; I lose the fight every day. I do not possess the will power to move on from you. You did to me what no one else could, you made me believe. You made me believe that a happy ending was possible. You made me believe that my concern for my emotional wellbeing was irrational. Most of all, you made me believe in you. I believed in you so much that I threw caution to the wind. I had faith in you to not hurt me. Now as I lay back on the tree that we watched grow; I am in emotional pain. It hurts to feel. I have no more emotional equity, I spent it all. The emotional torment has caused me to actually feel physical pain. I think about you all day, every day, seven days a week, at all times. I sleep to the beautiful sound of your voice replaying in my head. I wake feeling your lips on me. How vivid memories can be. I am not too proud to tell you that I cry sometimes. The tears feel like acid on my face. They might as well be tears of blood, I am a walking open wound. You will never know how much you mean to me. Words could never do justice what my heart felt and feels.

I found you where you should have never been.  You were in front of me and for a moment I said you were not real. Presently I miss you more than I ever thought I could. When I lied to myself that you could not be real, it was to protect me from your beautiful spirit. I knew I would fall for you; it was just a matter of when. I knew you would swallow me up whole. I knew you were going to hurt me unintentionally. Hurt people hurt other people without trying to hurt them. It is a bittersweet chain that has no chance of being broken. I was the latest casualty of this bitter game we all partake in. 

You promised me that we would grow old together, you lied. You left me on my own. I had to pick myself up. We had a plan, or at least I thought we did. When you left me, I still had to finish that plan. I did not move on, even when everyone told me I should. I kept living the same life we lived. I kept being told how unhealthy it was, I had no care in the world.

I remember the day we went to watch the sunset and you asked me “do you know why I have spaces between my fingers?”. I was puzzled but not surprised as you always had random things that came out of your mouth. Interested in the answer I asked sarcastically, “please tell me why”. you looked me in the eyes with your hands on my face looking as beautiful as anything I had ever seen and said, “because the spaces are where your fingers fit perfectly”. I have never forgotten that. It may be cheesy to some, but to me it was the sweet sound of love. You kissed me, while the night rose.

How long does it take to mend a broken heart?

How long does it take to get over someone?

How long does it take to be whole again?

Who says you have to move on?

I do not want to move on

                                                                     I do not want to leave

  I want to stay

 I decided to stay

I never imagine I would have to live a life without you in it. That thought was never a possibility, why would you leave me?

Do not worry yourself, I am doing perfectly fine.

All I do is wander around the spaces you use to take up. I sit in the same seat you use to sit every morning while drinking your morning coffee. I go to all the places we use to love going to, I still feel your spirit. I go hiking on the same trails we use to take on Sundays, I still see your footprints. All I do is play the songs we use to love singing along to when we would take our random drives to nowhere. I sing along to them, then I shut up when it’s your turn to sing. I still hear your voice. Am I still in love with you? I don’t know, you tell me. I slip and say your name randomly, I hope no one hears me. Do not worry, I do not miss you. Not one bit.

“One day, we will travel to the edge of the world” you once told me while we were at the beach. I laughed at your randomness. I miss it so bad. I responded, “what’s at the edge of the world”, you told me “only us”. I love you so much.

I found HER.

She looks just like you. She has the same body type as you. She smiles just like you. She talks just like you. I get lost sometimes thinking she is you. I wish she was. I did the best I could to make her you. I sound crazy, that is because I am. I take her to all the places we loved going to. I make her sit where you always sat. I make her order what you always ate. I tell her the same jokes I use to tell you hoping she laughs just like you use to. I play all the songs we use to play together; I make her sing your part. I close my eyes and pretend it was your voice. When she touches me, I close my eyes and pretend it’s your hand I feel. In the mornings I have her sit in the same seat you use to sit. I give her coffee just how you liked it.

I don’t even call her by her name; I might accidently call her by yours. So, I just say “Her”, she thinks it’s funny and cute. If only she knew the deep dark reasons for why I do the things I do.

All I wanted to do was make another YOU.

I give her your clothes to wear. She thinks I go shopping and buy them just for her. When she wears them, I pretend I am with you. I have never told her about you, I could never. My family says this is an unhealthy behavior, so I stopped bringing her to family events. Dad always wants to tell her the secret I have never told her. I stop him every time, then we proceed to get into a shouting match. I always end up storming out with her, she just thinks our family is dysfunctional. Mom weeps for me, she suggests I seek mental help. I had to stop calling her, because she just cries and cries. “Stop this madness!” she shouted last time we spoke. The friends you and I shared have stopped talking to me. They think I have fallen deep into the abyss and there is no way to pull me back up. All I want is you back, that is all I pray for. She will never be you, but this is my only way of coping.

They are right. I need to stop the madness, but I am not sure how to do that. Until I do, I came up with a plan. I am moving with her out of this town. Soon someone will tell her why I have been changing her. I know someone will, I am surprised no one has already. For the Reincarnation to be complete, I need to get away from all those that do not understand what I am going through. I will bring you back, if not with her, then with someone else. But for now, I came to tell you I will not be able to visit your grave no more. We are leaving in a few days. You are with me forever and I am forever yours. Please forgive and wait for me. I am crazy, this I know.

I wish every day, that the cancer took me and not you.