Shattered

I threw it all out there

I put it it all out there

That is not how it usually goes

I am more careful than that

I am more calculated than that

It may be the worst feeling in the world

To want someone who can never want you

It creates a desperation that eats at you

It is my fault

I caused it

I put you in a situation that you were not ready for

Probably because I am selfish

I never wanted to be the reason you did not find yourself

But the thing about me is

When I want, I want hard

When I care, I care hard

When I fall, I fall hard

When I get up……I gain new strength

I opened up when I never should have

I was dumb and weak

Vulnerable at the wrong time

Now I feel it used against me

Being shot by my own gun

I hurt like anyone else

I ache like anyone else

But I persevere like no one else

It may take some time

But I will be back

To my old skin

The one that kept me away from all the pain

I knew better

I know better

But I still I did it anyway

I should have listened to myself

My every core told me not to do it

I disregarded all my instincts

Now I sit here

Calling myself stupid

For knowing better but not doing better

Now I Sit for hours, hoping and praying that you think of me too

I let my feelings get the better of my judgment

How stupid could I be

To see the movie already

But forget the ending

Now I must go heal again

The pain is immense

But I deserve it

The ache is unbearable

But I deserve it

It was all self inflected

I now lay in a puddle of regret

I cannot even blame you

It was all on me

My calculations were off

Now I must live with the results

I must take the pain

For it is the only way I will learn

Never to put it all out there again

I know better, I just did not do better

Come to think of it

I really had no right to have the feelings that I do

That is the bitter travesty

But still

I wonder

I wonder

I wonder

Do you ever wonder……think about what we could have been?

13 thoughts on “Shattered

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