Shattered

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I threw it all out there

I put it it all out there

That is not how it usually goes

I am more careful than that

I am more calculated than that

It may be the worst feeling in the world

To want someone who can never want you

It creates a desperation that eats at you

It is my fault

I caused it

I put you in a situation that you were not ready for

Probably because I am selfish

I never wanted to be the reason you did not find yourself

But the thing about me is

When I want, I want hard

When I care, I care hard

When I fall, I fall hard

When I get up……I gain new strength

I opened up when I never should have

I was dumb and weak

Vulnerable at the wrong time

Now I feel it used against me

Being shot by my own gun

I hurt like anyone else

I ache like anyone else

But I persevere like no one else

It may take some time

But I will be back

To my old skin

The one that kept me away from all the pain

I knew better

I know better

But I still I did it anyway

I should have listened to myself

My every core told me not to do it

I disregarded all my instincts

Now I sit here

Calling myself stupid

For knowing better but not doing better

Now I Sit for hours, hoping and praying that you think of me too

I let my feelings get the better of my judgment

How stupid could I be

To see the movie already

But forget the ending

Now I must go heal again

The pain is immense

But I deserve it

The ache is unbearable

But I deserve it

It was all self inflected

I now lay in a puddle of regret

I cannot even blame you

It was all on me

My calculations were off

Now I must live with the results

I must take the pain

For it is the only way I will learn

Never to put it all out there again

I know better, I just did not do better

Come to think of it

I really had no right to have the feelings that I do

That is the bitter travesty

But still

I wonder

I wonder

I wonder

Do you ever wonder……think about what we could have been?

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Published by Mystery guy

Mistakes will happen, failure will occur, sadness and happiness will be part of the adventure. But I am on a journey-towards what I do not know and what I fear.

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23 thoughts on “Shattered”

  4. You have no idea how fitting this is for my life right now… Fucking absolutely on point. Love this. Love your writing once again. I’ll be pondering ‘what could have been’ all day. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

      1. Sorry for the belated reply – WP wouldn’t let me reply, so fingers crossed that this goes through.
        You’re welcome! Glad to have you back and look forward to your new posts!

        Liked by 1 person

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