I hate myself, for hating you. You don’t deserve that from me, but I want to hate you so much for leaving me. You left me in the worst way, you left me forever. I feel as if I hear you silently screaming my name. I hear you through the shadows where our light was supposed to shine. Where we were supposed to be eternal, the only thing left eternal is the distance created between us. I let myself think you left me this way purposely, for you know I hate being alone. The thought of you not being next to me is painful, it’s as if I’m slowly dying from a thousand cuts that will never heal. I’m wounded to the point where I do not know if I am even alive anymore. I know, poor choice of words considering what happened. But that’s how I feel, and it is what causes me pain. I should have never let you drove that night; I don’t know what I was thinking. I blame myself every day that I wake for what happened to you, for what happened to us. The last image of you will forever haunt me, I wish I could wash that vision from my memory. I want to remember you for that beautiful person you were, that person that everyone knew you as.
That night, oh that night, what a night that would turn out to be. it didn’t start off well to say the least, we argued again for the third time that week, it was only Wednesday. You were so furious with me, truthfully, I could not blame you and I still can’t blame you. I put us through hell with my misconduct, I treated you as someone that would never leave me. You did leave me, in the worst way. When we argued I felt horrible inside, you would get so angry I thought you would hurt yourself. I never told you how truly sorry I am, I guess it makes no difference now. But it does to me. I’m sorry for those endless nights I left you worried because I did not come home until the middle of the night. I’m sorry for those days you just needed someone to listen to you, but I brushed you off because “I had too much on my mind”. Now I sit trying to hear your voice through the silence. I’m sorry for those times you wanted to go out just so we could have a good time, but I never came home. I can keep this going forever, lord knows my overdue apologies can fit in a 300-page book.
You yelled at the top of your lungs voicing your displeasure, your eyes burning with fury. It was as if a tornado full of rage ran through the house, I was petrified on the inside. I had never seen you like that; I think all your frustrations boiled over and you could not contain them anymore. Broken dishes on the floor, food thrown at the walls, anything you could carry launched in my direction. You found another unknown number on my phone, just like those other times. I will never figure why you stayed with me for as long as you did. Why you gave me all those chances when you did, even though I would be lying to you when i laid with you. That number was not unknown because like all those other times, you knew no good was at the end of the other line. It pains me to think that I could have possibly done that you, but that is my way of looking for an excuse. when you asked me whose number that was, I did what I did best I lied. That was the last straw for you, that was all you could take and no more. It didn’t hit me until now that when you screamed and yelled you were doing it to fight for me, to fight for us. I was not fighting with you; I was too selfish to do that. It wasn’t always like that remembering when we first started going out, I fought alongside you for us. There was actually an us and not ME/YOU, we were perfect for each other. In hindsight you were perfect for me, and I just ruined your life. When people said you were too good for me, I called it jealousy, but they were right. You were too good for me, you deserved better and that gets added to the book of apologies. Knowing you were too good for me is what made me chase after you when you stormed out of the house with your keys.
I was trying to call your bluff, but you weren’t bluffing at all. You were trembling when you got in your car, full of rage that I never knew you had. We made so much commotion I saw all the lights on our street on, people peeking out of their windows to see what the noisy neighbors have going on tonight. When you turned on the ignition my heart sank to the floor, I saw you back out of my life as you exited the driveway. I quickly ran back inside to grab my keys panic quickly creeping in, I ran to the car fumbling my keys. I destroyed our lawn and our mailbox when I wildly backed out of our driveway, speeding through our neighborhood. I was trying to catch up with you, but you were long gone. I called your phone over and over and over again, but you left it home. I drove to all the places I suspected you would be, but you were nowhere to be found. I called everyone we knew, but no one had seen you. I started crying while I was searching for you, I had a feeling there wouldn’t be a next time. First time I cried since I was 10. I drove like a madman thinking of how I let us down, to make it worse no one would be surprised. But that night I was the one who had a surprise waiting for me. I should have had a sense of relief when I saw your car, I should have been happy to have found you. But the yellow tape that surrounded the scene took my life away, I felt paralyzed by what my eyes were witnessing. Seeing you flat on the ground with blood all over your face is forever imprinted in my memory.
Whenever I stare at my hands, I think off all the times you wanted to hold me. But I was cold to the touch when placed your hands on mines. Now I’m left with regret and the memory of me holding your lifeless body in the middle of that street. The impact of the car accident left you unrecognizable. That was not the women who loved me, that was not you and I refuse to accept that it was. Try as they might they could not pull me away from you, ironic that the one time I held you like you always wanted was when you were lifeless. The police tried to explain what happened but all I could hear was your voice, the world stopped existing. The drunk driver burned a red light and you were the casualty, he came out without a scratch……..funny how life works. The police told me the drunk driver would never see the light of day. They were wrong, not about driver but about who the real criminal was.
If I was a brave man, I would have told them that the driver was not the criminal, but that I was. I was the real culprit, I killed you. I killed you the moment I entered your life, I killed you all those times I was unfaithful, I killed you when I did not show you the love you deserved. I should be the one to never see the light of day, I should serve time for what I did to you. It will forever haunt me that I was the one who made you leave the house that night, I should have stopped you. This all could have been avoided if I was not cold to the touch.
Instead I now pledge allegiance to loneliness, I surrender to regret, I’m embedded with sorrow, I live with the voices in my head and I am now married to grief. I walk alongside fear, I am close friends with the dark and light has become my enemy.
I’m not okay, but it’s okay
This is the life of a criminal
My sentence is for life
My prison is Silence