Session #7
Dear Diary,
I left my room, ready to head to work. As I opened my door, I felt a strong presence near. I walked out only to see Erica, Valerie and Kate standing near the front door. They were just staring at me with silence, I looked around to see if there was anything that I was missing. They kept staring at me without moving at all, I tried to move but my feet would not cooperate. I felt trapped almost as if I was being restrained. I then heard a familiar voice
: hi jane
: remember I will always take care of you
I didn’t have to see the face to match with the voice. It was Tiffany I would not have mistaken her voice with anyone, specially with the words she told before we laid in bed for the first time. She came out of the shadows that covered the Kitchen. She did not look at me at all just like she did at office, she went by me and stood behind the girls. That is when Tiffany looked up, she had the same look that the girls had. She just stared right through me; this sent a chill down my spine. I had a feeling something bad was going to happen, so I tried to move. My legs were still stuck and they would not allow me to move, so I stood there.
I heard another voice coming from the shadows
: are you looking for a savior?
: do you want to be saved?
I could not quite make out the voice, until it came out of the shadows of the other bedroom. It was Trevor that came out, unlike Tiffany he came out looking right at me. He was smiling in the creepiest way, like he knew something I had done.
Trevor: Do you like to swim?
I did not answer, but tears fell from my face from the fear I felt in my heart.
Tiffany: the twins like to swim
Tiffany: oops, I should say use to
My heart stopped beating, my face covered in tears. I could not believe what I was hearing, I trusted Tiffany. I trusted her, but now she is using what I told her against me. None of it made sense, why was everyone against me? What did I do to them?
Tiffany: why are you crying baby?
Trevor: are you scared sweetie?
I could not respond, I wanted to but just like my feet my mouth could not move. I was thinking what I wanted to say, but I could not get my mouth to say it. The girls did not say anything still, it was as if they were mute. I saw Trevor moving slowly towards me, I wanted to make a run for it.
Tiffany: WE…. will take care of you. NOW
I woke up
Another nightmare, this one I remembered.
It was so vivid
I was sweating again, my sheets ruined
None of it made sense to me
Why were Trevor and Tiffany targeting me?
Why was Tiffany behind the girls?
Why did the girls not speak?
Why am I having so many nightmares? And why did this one feel so real?
Shit! I remembered I had to get ready for work. I had so many questions still, but I told myself it was just a dream. I got out of my bed, which was wrecked with all my sweating. I went and turned the shower on while I got my sheets off my bed. My mind was still scrambled trying to make sense of that dream that I had, I could not understand why two of the people I wanted the most were talking to me like that.
I caught myself. I could not believe I told myself that I wanted Trevor. How could I say that? Why did I say that? Did I really want him?
All of a sudden, I heard my doorknob moving. Someone was trying to enter my room. I locked it when I was going to bed. After a couple of jiggles the movement stopped. Then I heard the keyhole moving, someone was about to enter. I did not move, for I would now find out who has been entering my room.
I already had a feeling, I just needed confirmation
I realized they were waiting for the shower to start, so they could enter
I also realized they were not trying to steal
They were trying to put fear in me
The keyhole unlocks
The door opens
Valerie is standing at the door
With a large Grin on her face that I caught her, I could see the relief in her face
She giggles
Valerie: Got me!
She just walked away
As I suspected. It was not about stealing, but instilling fear in me
I closed my door and went in the shower. While in the shower, I replayed Valerie’s expression over and over. The sheer joy she had being caught was odd to say the least. I laughed out loud maniacally at the fact that we caught each other, and we took joy in it. she caught me catching her, which in a psychopathic way was what we both wanted.
What happened with Valerie made me forget all about the dream. I got out of the shower, got dressed and was ready to leave for work. I felt free in the weirdest way; I am not sure how to express it but there was a sense of relief. This led me to leave my door unlocked, I had a feeling it was not going to be broken in again. I left my room and walked towards the door when I heard-
Valerie: have a good day at work roomie (she winked at me)
Me: that is very kind of you roomie (I winked back)
I did not wait for her reaction, I went straight for the door
I felt exhilarated at my response. It gave me such a rush that I stood up and did not panic. I faced her (sort of) but I had a feeling that this was the day I was not going to take anyone’s shit.
I went into work in an upbeat mood, ready to tackle anything. I loved that work was particularly busy that morning, it kept me going. I knew something had changed when I heard Tiffany speaking, but I did not even bother to look for her. I heard her voice and I wanted to see her face.
But I resisted
I was proud of myself
I felt her walking by, but I never lifted my head. I smiled, at myself, being proud of myself. I kept on working, smiling as time went by.
Trevor: hey there (he said with a smile that could make anyone melt)
I jumped out of my seat and stood up. I hated myself for being so awkward.
I tried to play it off, but the damage was already done
Me: hey (as awkwardly as it could have possibly come out)
Trevor: listen I just wanted to tell I had a great time getting to know you
Me: I had a great time too
Trevor: we should do it again when you have time, I know you must be busy settling in
Me: I would love that, very much
Hate myself for being so awkward
We exchanged contacts and I could not stop smiling.
Have I just moved on from Tiffany? Am I bisexual now? Or am I just a fucking nutcase?
These are questions I asked myself because it felt like everything was happening too fast. Still I did not let this ruin my day, nothing could. Some time passed by before a lady approached my desk-
lady: excuse me, if you have a moment Tiffany would like to see you in her office
Me: I’m sorry, but who are you?
Lady: I’m Tiffany’s secretary
Me: Tiffany has a secretary?
Tiffany’s secretary: yeah so if you have a moment
Me: sure, I just have some things to finish up
She looked at me like I was a loser for not knowing her position, but after all this time I did not know Tiffany had a secretary. My anxiety started going off the rails again, why would she call me in her office? I did not have the slightest clue what she wanted with me. She ignored me for what felt like forever and now she had sent for me. I tried to finish what I was doing but I was not doing it well, my body was present, but my mind was gone. All I had in my mind was Tiffany. I left the rest of my work and headed to her office.
My palms were sweaty, my heart racing and my breathing heavy. Then I stopped, and I remembered this was the day I was not going to take anyone’s shit.
I saw the secretary and went towards her desk. It was unusual how far her desk was to Tiffany’s office. She picked up the phone-
Tiffany’s secretary: The girl you sent for is here
She had an unusual tone about the way she said it. But that was not my concern at that time, my concern was finding out why I was there
Tiffany’s secretary: You can go in
I walked away and went towards the office. I took a deep breath, then I entered.
She looked as beautiful as ever. I could not stop staring at her, nor could I speak. I stood there waiting for something to happen, for a noise to break out of nowhere. She was doing something on her computer, and I stood there helpless. She finished with her computer, stood up, and walked around her desk towards me. She was slightly taller than me, but enough to look down on me.
Tiffany: I forgive you
Me: forgive me? For what? What the hell did I do? I did not nothing but fall for you. I gave you myself, I let you take me in my bed. You made me feel as if I was important to you. At the slightest little issue, you decided to act like a bitch and make me feel like shit. Do you have any idea what it is like to be ignored by someone who says they care for you? DO YOU? I hate you for how you made me feel. I HATE YOU.
Diary,
This is how I want to remember the conversation going. This is how I want to imagine myself being. This is the strength I want to remember having.
Diary,
In reality
I ran into her arms and cried hysterically
Me: I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I’m so sorry, I miss you so much.
How pathetic was I, so desperate for any sign of love I sold myself? I prostituted my dignity for someone to control me. I prostituted my pride, for Tiffany. At that moment I told myself she was worth it.
Tiffany: stop crying, I forgive you.
“This was the day I was not going to take anyone’s shit”
I lied to myself, I was going to take someone’s shit. I was weak.
I kept crying for a few more minutes, pathetically crying.
Tiffany: get yourself together and get back to work. I will be in touch
We kissed, I wiped my tears and left.
“This was the day I was not going to take anyone’s shit”
I prostituted my dignity
The rest of the workday was a blur. I was caught between happiness and travesty. I was happy that I had Tiffany back. The travesty was at what price. Was my dignity worth Tiffany. Before I knew it, I was putting my key card to enter the dorm. I walked in without any sense of feeling.
I was mourning losing myself
I saw Valerie standing in the living room, I walked past her.
Valerie: Welcome home, Roomie (she winked at me)
Me: it’s nice to see a friendly face after a long hard day at work, Roomie (I winked at her)
I shut my door. Took my clothes off and ran in the shower. I did not cry, for I was unable to produce any more tears. I was coming to the realization that I had given myself over to Tiffany, and I knew I would never get that back.
“This was the day I was not going to take anyone’s shit”
I got out of the shower and I snuggled myself in bed. I kept replaying over in my head, how I threw myself over to Tiffany. How pathetic I was. My phone buzzed-
Trevor: Hey you!
That is the text I received. I should have been happy, but what was the point of feeling anything.
I prostituted myself
Jane- what use to be her
unconsciouswriter 