Jane’s Diary

Session #6

Dear diary,

The next morning, I woke up in soaked sheets

I apparently cried more than I first thought

But something else happened

I woke up extremely sweaty, I had a nightmare that I could not quite recall. I sat in my bed for about 10 minutes trying to remember, but I could not.

I finally got out of my bed to go and take a shower. One of the things I loved about my dorm was that each room had its own shower, so I didn’t have to see anyone if I didn’t want to. When I finished showering, I exited the bathroom only to realize that my bedroom door was opened.

Someone had entered my room, but they didn’t seem to take anything. This is the moment when I remembered I was not alone in this place. All the sadness from the night before made me forget about Valerie and Erica. I looked out of my room to see if anyone was out there, but there was nothing just mere silence. I closed my door to examine further if anything was out of place. I quickly concluded that I was an unwanted guest or even worse a target.

I finished getting dressed as it was time to head to work. I was not used to locking my door since I was alone for so long, but it was time to build a new habit. When I stepped out of my room there was still that chilling silence that lingered in the air. No signs of life anywhere, not in the living room, not in the kitchen, nowhere. I left and headed for work; my heart was pounding at the thought of seeing Tiffany. I was anxious and terrified of how she would look at me. I vomited a couple of times on the way, that is how big this was for me.

I put on a brave face the closer I was to work; I did not want to show how broken I was. This was nothing new to me, if you remember diary, I put on a brave face everyday back in Bedford.

Work was going well that morning, I had put Tiffany in the back of my mind to try to focus on my task. I did not want to give any indication that I was not fine, so I smiled and worked. This all changed quickly when I looked up only to see Tiffany walking towards my area, she looked as beautiful as the first day I saw her. She still had that determined, confident look about her. I felt myself getting sick again as the anxiety was rising up inside me. My palms were extremely sweaty, I could not stop shaking my legs and my rapid heartbeat could not be tamed. Tiffany did not even seem to notice me as she walked by me without even a glance.

 It was as if I did not even exist

 Diary, is there anything worse than feeling invisible?

The seconds it took for Tiffany to walk by me felt like years. I just wanted to jump and scream

 “HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY IGNORE ME LIKE THAT?”

But I resisted with all my might and stayed seated. I also tried to resist the tears that were about pour out of me, but the more I resisted the more they tried to escape. I got out of my seat and tried as calmly as I could to head to the bathroom. The closer I was the more I rushed towards the door. I got in, closed the door and started crying hysterically.

I did not cry because Tiffany ignored me

I cried because I was mad at myself

I was upset with myself for allowing someone to control my emotions, I felt so weak at that time. The more I tried to gather myself, the more the tears kept flowing. I needed to head back to work so it was time to put an end to all this crying, so I calmed myself enough to dry my face. I took a couple of deep breaths, put on my brave face and headed back towards my desk. I had a fake smile on for anyone who saw me, just so that no one can suspect anything was wrong. The smile quickly faded away when I could not believe what my eyes were seeing.

I saw Valerie walking out of the director of admissions office, followed by Erica and a third girl who I just assumed was the Kate they were hysterical about. I was so caught off guard that Instead of looking away or hiding I just kept staring at them, long enough for Valerie to turn and lock eyes on me. She came to a halt, surprised just as I was that this was the place, we would all see each other. She looked at Erica before pointing at me, Erica’s eyes widen as she also could not believe what she was seeing. Now looking back, it should not have been a surprise that we would all bump heads at school, but after what happened the night before this was a shocker. It was confirmed to me that the third girl was Kate when Erica whispered something in her ear while pointing at me. The rage just flushed to her face as if she wanted to attack me, that is when I knew this was Kate.

From first impressions Kate seemed to have more of a devious demeanor about her, it is difficult to explain but something about the look in her eyes screamed “danger zone”. Kate had a toned muscular body that immediately told you she was an athlete; she was tall with long brown hair, no makeup at all and a resting bitch face that could kill. Erica was not as tall as Kate or as toned, she was more of a pretty girl with a dolled-up face. The kinds of pretty white girls you see in the movies or tv shows, with all the makeup, the well-done hair that you can tell took hours to do and all they do is gossip. Valerie was the shortest of the three, but you can tell she was the one with all the ideas, she was the ringleader and the way she stood in front of them made it clear. She was extremely pretty with blue eyes, long black hair, a body that was well-shaped like in the magazines and a confident stance about her.

The standoff came to an end when a lady stepped out of the director of admissions office to lead them out, they had fake smiles that were clear as day, but they glanced at me one more time before they left. I had to snap back to reality because I still had work to tend to, but I could not help asking myself

 “why were they here?”

 “what did they want?”

 Questions I could not answer but they still persisted in my head, I just did not have a good feeling about them being there. I went back to my desk to try to focus but I could not because of those 3, they were the cause of my fight with Tiffany and now they were causing me anxiety.

The end of the workday was almost here when a guy approached my desk. It was not any random guy; his name was Trevor and he worked in the office. I worked in the general office filing papers, documenting and handling sensitive materials. Trevor on the other hand worked in the director of admissions office, he introduced himself to me on my second week. He was a really nice guy that was very well mannered, he was built, had cocoa brown skin and the most perfect teeth I had ever seen. He was really handsome, but I had not fully noticed at the time. We never fully had a conversation just “hi” and “bye” but nothing else.

Trevor: Hey! How is your day going?

I wanted to say “absurdly insane”

Me: it’s going well, how are you?

Trevor: I want to say good, but I can’t wait to leave

Me: me too it’s been one of those days and I haven’t eaten much today

Trevor: same here its been so hectic I didn’t even have time to think about food

Me: at least it’s almost over 30 minutes to go!!!

Trevor: do you want to grab food after? Since we both haven’t eaten.

This caught me off guard, I didn’t expect Trevor to ask me out. But I was fighting with myself in those seconds

 “maybe his just being nice”

“who says he likes you”

“maybe he wants something”

 I was preparing to decline the offer just to be safe until I remembered that he worked in the director of admissions office so maybe he had insight on why the girls were there.

Me: yes! I would love to

I felt guilty while responding because I knew I was using him for information, but it had to be done.

Trevor: awesome! We Will meet outside after our shift finishes

Me: okay!

I said smiling widely but I was ashamed on the inside. The shame did not last long when I remembered how the girls spoke to me the night before and the looks, they gave me when we crossed paths. I needed info and Trevor might have had some. I kept telling myself to keep cool and not be weird around Trevor. I did not want him to suspect a thing, this was all in my head because he did not know me or my problems. 30 minutes went by really quick, everyone in the offices were packing to leave for the day. I said my “bye” to people and headed to meet Trevor outside. On the way I saw Tiffany, with everything that happened I had completely forgotten about her. I wanted to say something, but I froze, and my mouth was closed shut. She walked by me without even a glance

 she smelled beautifully

I missed her scent

My heart broke to pieces for the second time that day, only this time I kept the tears inside. I walked outside and saw Trevor waiting for me. He was even more handsome than I first thought and a very sharp dresser.

Trevor: You are late!

He said jokingly

Me: no, you’re just early!

Trevor: if you’re not first, you’re last!

Me: is that original?

Trevor: nope, stole it from a movie.

Trevor: There is this place a few blocks away, they have really good food.

Me: lead the way

Trevor lead the way to the place he wanted to take me, along the path he showed me a few things surrounding the campus. He was extremely articulate which went well with the rest of him, he was funny also. It seemed as if we actually had conversations before with how well it was flowing. We arrived at the place which was a local bar not too far from campus, we ordered our food and took our seats.

Trevor: I meant to ask you by the way, are you from Virginia?

I was startled by his question, how the hell did he know that?

Me: how did you know that?

Trevor: oh, your accent gave you away

Me: what do you mean my accent gave it away? How do you know what a Virginia accent is?

Trevor: I visited a few times, my grandparents moved there in their later years, so I had a chance to catch some things. You sound just like my grandparents’ neighbors did, country accent and all.

Me: I was so confused as to why everyone kept mentioning my accent since I came here. No one has ever commented on it before.

Trevor: have you ever left Virginia before?

Me: No

Trevor: well there goes your answer. No one in Virginia will tell you about your accent because they all speak like you.

Me: but is it that big of a deal for everyone to mention it?

Trevor: well understand where you are, you’re in New York City the city of bright lights. Then add to that you are attending Saint John’s; mostly rich kids go here so of course it’s odd to them

Me: But New York is full of all kinds of people, with all different accents

Trevor: yeah people from different countries, when you’re from the south it’s not seen as cool as a foreign person. It’s not a big deal to me but that’s just me

Me: well thank you for clarifying, I was confused as to why it was always mentioned

Trevor: you have to learn quickly that you’re in a completely new environment, they will consider you an outsider and find any way to point you out. You have to be resilient to survive.

Trevor and I talked for quite a while. I learned that he was a junior majoring in communications which would explain his ability to speak so flawlessly.  His father was a lawyer and his mother a doctor, so he was well off growing up. They put an emphasis on education and his mother was very particular about speech and grammar. He received a full scholarship to Saint Johns and wanted to do graduate studies at Colombia university.

Hearing all about Trevor’s life made me feel so small. He had it all, educated parents, a loving home, style, intelligence and everything I wished I had. He kept asking me about myself, but I just kept dodging the questions. Trevor said I was too “humble” to talk about myself; he didn’t understand that compared to him I felt small. I tried to change the topic of conversation.

Me: so, when did you start working in the office?

Trevor: about a year ago, one of my professors got me in because they knew the director.

Me: do you like it?

Trevor: It has its ups and downs. I suppose you can say that with any job, it keeps some change in my pocket.

Me: must be exhausting dealing with angry students all the time?

Trevor: I really do not have to deal; I just get their paperwork’s in order.

Me: I saw three girls that left today looking extremely unhappy

Trevor: oh, I think I know the ones you are talking about. They were having a fit because something about not being able to dorm together.

Me: did they say why?

Trevor: no, but they are rich white girls who think they are entitled to everything in life. You will see a lot of that during your time at Saint Johns.

Me: was it resolved?

Trevor: Do you know them or something?

Me: oh no no, I’m just nosy (I laughed nervously)

Trevor: well we get those all the time; I think they will survive not living together.

We spent the rest of the time just talking about the city and campus life. We left the bar and headed back towards campus. I had a really good time hanging out with Trevor, I went with him for selfish reasons. However, I left really liking him and his spirit. He walked me back to campus, he lived off campus, so we went separately at the entrance.

I now knew that the girls came to the office to try to get rid of me, I understood that they wanted to live together

 But was it so serious that they had to go to the office?

My anxiety started kicking in again, when I was with Trevor my anxiety was calmed. But now my head started going in 15 different directions and I had all questions no answers. I arrived back to my dorm; it was getting late so there was not much noise in the hallway. Same could be said inside, I opened the door and did not hear a peep. No noise just like when I left that morning. I went to put the key in to unlock my door, only to see that it was already opened. Someone had broken into my room but like in the morning nothing seemed to be out of place. I looked around to find any evidence that anyone was in there, but nothing was there but the opened door.

I sat on the edge of the bed, to contemplate what to do next. Because these girls were not playing around.

I also realized that for an entire afternoon Tiffany was not on my mind

                                                                                                                                                      Jane

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