Wildfire

The last sound you heard that you hated, I myself don’t remember it. I was unconscious.

I’ll tell you what I remember

I remember the first time you laid hands on me

That slap rocked my world

Nothing was ever the same after that.  You’re right this is the classic case of the abuser looking for excuses. But you don’t have any, you knew better. Why did you hug me after every temper tantrum you had? That’s putting it lightly, you’re welcome for that. I don’t hate you, not one bit. I hate myself for allowing you to do that to me. I myself don’t know why I kept coming home to the storm I saw a mile away. I kept coming to dark clouds hovering over the house. I barely had friends, I lost my family and I didn’t have an identity. Your hands were my identity. I did not know myself without you hitting me. You didn’t love me…you owned me. I was your possession.

The constant lies I had to tell about all those “accidents ” I kept having because I was clumsy.  Tripping over wires, falling by a shopping cart, car accidents, garage falls, ice falls. …honestly what lie have I not told to cover for your terrorism.

When I awoke to your letter, I realized you did your “home remedies ” to avoid taking me to the hospital. It took me a couple of days to realize I was out for about 2 weeks. You really did it, then didn’t you? In Truth I always knew you had the capability of killing me, I wanted you to. It would have put an end to all of it. All the misery you’ve cost me, all the nightmares you gave me. When you would speak, I would jump out of fear. When you opened the door, I would wonder what new house item you would utilize to give your hands a break. Would it be a remote, a spatula or a broom stick. You’ve used all of those if you’ve forgotten.

Like any abuser you failed to mention everything and made it about you.

Did you forget the emotional torment your mouth had?  The things you said to me which would hurt more than the fists to the face. The degrading way you would speak to me to up yourself. You were never a warrior; you were always a coward. And I was a coward right along with you. I did not stand up for myself. But I did not need to. If you truly loved me, I wouldn’t have to. But I also had a misguided view of love. I saw my dad punch my mom in the face, then said I love you right after.

I guess we were both fucked up.

I’m not sure why you wrote to me. But you still are not fixed if that’s what you’re after. You can never run away from what you did. It will haunt you forever no matter how far you go. You made me cold as ice. I didn’t even know what feeling feelings felt like. The feel to feel was sucked up by the Storm that was you.

It’s been 5 years since I woke up to that swollen face that I could not believe was me. You cleaned up good I must give you that. Not the blood, but the way you ran out of the house. It did seem like you vanished. I took that opportunity to revamp myself. I took a picture of the face that you left and swore that it would never happen to me again.

Come to think of it, are you sure you didn’t leave me for dead?

I also quit my job after you left. I did not leave the house for about a year. This was easy since the only friends I had were your fist. I took the money from what you left on our accounts, all of my savings and some from other savings I used to survive that year. I started learning to meditate.  Unlike you I did not run away. Instead I stood and weathered the storm. I tore the house apart and made it for me. I redesigned everything to get rid of your scent and your presence. No longer was I going to allow you to haunt me. I started seeing a therapist, joined a support ground and started exercising (since you always said I was a pig). I got a new job and finally have friends. I reconnected with my family and have a home again.

I began a new me

But unlike you I didn’t run away from the weather, I defeated the weather by being a warrior. I will not allow you to take that away from me, you took everything else. You thought you destroyed me, but you made me resilient.

 Ironic those punches you thought landed on me are hitting you now.

You can climb any mountain you want; you can pray with the monks and be reborn again. But you will never conquer what I conquered. I conquered the storm; I faced a tornado and beat it. I had bruises along away, but every great fighter has lumps.

Like I said before I don’t hate you

You’ve tried to outrun your demons

But don’t gloss over what you did. You burned me, but I rose from the ashes you left on the floor.

I may not sound like it, but I found peace. The storm is calming now. When I hear thunder I don’t jump, I must thank you for that.

Like I said before I don’t hate you.

I lied

I hate you more than anything in this life. You are the worst that could have happened to me. You are a lesson I never wanted to learn. You are a storm I never wanted coverage from. I’m angry beyond anger, all those therapy sessions cannot heal that. All the religions in the world cannot fill the void that has transformed into darkness. I want revenge, fuck taking the high road. I lied to myself saying I found peace, but I have not. I will never find that peace. The scars may have healed but the emptiness persist. As for you……..

If peace is what you’re looking for, I can give you that

I am right where the storm began and ended. But a new storm has taken over, that is mines.

I will give you eternal peace

I will end you

That will give you the peace you’re looking for

                                                                                                 Sincerely, what the light has found

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