Do you mind if I ask you where you came from?
Strange question, I know. Believe me I know, but I must insist on it anyway. The reason I ask is…. see usually my pride does not allow me to Express certain things. But fuck it, who the hell are you? Actually, who the fuck do you think you are? To come out of nowhere, jump right in my life and make me feel what I never wanted to feel again. I hate feeling vulnerable, but here you are making me so weak that my knees crumble. Do you know what it is like to want someone so bad it physically hurts? Do you know what it is like to pray to the high heavens that the person you are always thinking of is thinking about you also? Do you know what it is like to not want to eat because sadness has become the nutrition your body craves? Do you know what it is like to listen to sad song after sad song after sad song, because they all speak to you? Do you know what it is like to not be able to sleep because the one person that you want…just does not understand how infatuated you are with them?
Okay let me breathe
I apologize, that was too strong. It is not your fault, I know this. But who else can I blame? Like how could you do to this to me? I sure did not do it myself. You came and showed me something so beautiful that it twisted my reality. My years of building tolerance of not feeling anything has just evaporated like a bad science experiment. I am so sick of feeling these feelings that I don’t understand but I feel them fermented in my bones. I am angry, sad, cranky, tired, hungry, annoyed all in one. But If you were to call me right now all that would go away because I am weak. I am so weak, and it is all your fault. You did it to me silently, you are what I have always been afraid of. You are the one that see right through me and stare at me blankly knowing you can hit me without raising an arm. See at this moment there is no pride left, there is no shame left, I do not care because I lost it all. All those years of practicing tolerance has done nothing for me now.
Again, I ask where did you come from? How did you find the map to the feelings I put in a box and locked away for good? Now here I am getting angry at the fact that I have all these feelings for you……and you do not even feel the same. The pity is you do not even know what you did. You do not even know I am like this. See I still have not shown you this side of me. I thought I lost it all and left it behind me. You still think of me as the asshole who does not feel anything. But little did you know this whole time you were chipping away at my armor and now I am unequipped for battle. I lay my sword down for I have lost the fight, but my opponent never showed up to claim their prize. Does that mean the war goes on?
If I sound angry, that is because I am. I never wanted this, all I wanted was to be left alone. But no, you had to show up with your beautiful spirit and stand in front of me. You broke me piece by piece without saying a word. Your eyes told me everything I needed to know. The pain in your eyes told me everything I needed to know. Your bare neck told me how untouched you were. See people can touch you without feeling you. No one has felt the real you, but I have. Your spirit has been tormented, it cried out for help when I was near you. It cried out for me. I have all the requisite skills to pull you from the abyss, but yet here I stand empty handed wondering why you did not choose me. You did not know it at the time, but I was silently crying out for you. Your spirit heard me, but you did not receive the message. I may have looked calm and collected when we would speak. But on the inside, I was a mess. I just wanted to scream “you are mine and I am yours”, but my speech was gone with the wind. In some sad way I know that you know I am the one for you. The tragedy has no end at this point.
I am not too proud to tell you that I truly want to cry when I think about you. I cannot produce the tears. Even if I could I am afraid that they would burn like my heart is. Why is it the closer I get to you, the further you are from me?
It would scare you if I told how much I adore and want you. Even your flaws are beautiful to me. You know that scar that you have? I feel it every time I touch my arm. It’s like we got matching tattoos and I find myself rubbing my arm just to remember you. I treat it like it’s your birthmark and I trace it on myself constantly. Do I sound crazy yet? I feel crazy, I feel insane, I feel not myself. You have me questioning who I am and what I have been. Do you know how many have come and gone? But yet they have no lasting memory to me. I feel as if I have known you forever, but what is forever anyway?
I hope you will show me sympathy. I hope when you put me down you will do it slowly. I do not think I will recover from it. I do not think I will ever be the same. I can feel it coming, I can feel you getting nervous when I tell you all these feelings that I can’t explain. I can feel you being afraid of all this, too much to take at one time. You did say I was full of surprises, and I always put you on the spot. Well surprise, here is another side of me we both did not expect. Here is me vulnerable as hell, I feel so naked. I feel exposed, I feel my sanity slipping. But still quiet I remain, I am afraid. Afraid of myself, afraid of you, afraid of the us that will never happen.
Maybe I am dramatic, maybe this is just a temporary feel. Something unexpected that I just do not know how to handle yet. If that is the case, why does this pain feel so immense? I do not think they made drugs for this pain. When I keep waking up in the middle of the night because all I dream about is you, that is not dramatic to me. That is the life I live now. I live in a prison; I am tormented daily. The sight of you kills me because I know it is limited. The sound of your voice brings me agony because I only want it to be for me. I sound so desperate, but I am not, I am lost. I am trying to find myself in the midst of this tornado. My time probably already ran out, but I can’t shake you off.
I still scream your name in silence. The sound waves ring ever so loudly in my head. You probably do not notice whenever you are leaving, I am begging you not to go. I yell for you to come back, still you do not hear me. I yell your name two to three times, but the soundwaves do not make it to you. I thought about how it would go if I was ever brave enough to pour my hearth out to you. I have rehearsed it in my head countless times. I spent four hours sitting in my car imagining how our conversation would be.
I would take you on our favorite drive. We would go to the place where we first touched each other’s soul. As I am driving, you would be nervously holding your hands together. You feel the disturbance in the air, I feel anxious. This is not our normal meet, where happiness lingers in the air. No this is a heartbreak waiting to happen. We both know it. I park the car at our usual spot. It is about 2am, pitch black so we can barely see each other. I sigh deeply as I turn the car off, you would look straight ahead at the empty forest. ” I can’t do this anymore ” I tell you with a cracking voice. Overcome with emotions I can barely finish the sentence. “I can’t do this anymore” I say once again, “it hurts too much and I can’t handle it”. You put your head down looking at your hands that you keep rubbing. “I am in so much pain. I think about you all the time. I want to be with you all the time. I just want you to be mine, and that is not going to happen” I tell you while trying to hold back tears that are filling up my heart. I continue “I want to cherish you, I want to care for you, I want you to be mine. You will never understand how much I want you. It burns me every time you leave because it always seems like it is the last time, I will see you. When my phones buzzes, I pray that it is you. I pray that you think of me enough to talk to me. It is never you. You will never understand what you mean to me. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t focus on anything other than you. You are a bad idea that has been planted in my head, you refuse to leave my dreams. I want to hate you so much. It would make it easier to move on”. Still you say nothing, the bitter cold of the weather is penetrating the car. “I think you fucked me up” I say as I shed a tear that burns more than hell. I slowly turn to face you, but the seat is empty and cold. This was my practice.
Truly I think you fucked me up.
I never thought I would sound like this. I never thought I would fall like this. I never thought I would lose control like this. I had to delete our text thread so I would not torture myself by reading it over and over again. I get the urge to call just to hear your voice. Maybe I am not who I thought I was all this time. Cold hearted was my baseline, now I feel emotions that are uncontrollable. Again, maybe I am not who I thought I was. I was the one who would never fall for anything, now I am on the floor wondering why God has curse me so. I will not forget you no matter how hard I try. In the end I hope one day, we get the chance to express ourselves. On that day I hope you tell me; you want me as much as I want you.
For now, I will tell you, I adore you. No, I would never call it love, that gets too complicated.