Full moon-half moon-don’t matter. Looking up at the night sky to see the dying stars shine brighter than a diamond ring is all I’m here for. Nights where the beach breeze feels like heaven on earth is what I long for. Skipping through the streets like a girl scout without a care in the world is what I dream of.
Death is what I am afraid of. Stiff and cold just laying down like you are merely a figure in a sick twisted game that you are going to lose. I escaped death more than once it seems at this point. But did I escape? Or what is it just not my time? I’m not religious, so I don’t believe there is an old man with a beard floating in the clouds with my time of death.
Well actually-once upon a time I was religious.
This was before a shotgun was placed into my father’s mouth. Well actually let me rephrase that. A shotgun was jammed into my father’s mouth so hard it broke his jaw along with his teeth. What did he do to deserve this? He refused to sell his land to the hoodlums who terrorized our city. Well actually he did not refuse to sell, because they didn’t offer money, they just offered not to kill him. Why they wanted a farmer’s land that offered nothing but corn and lettuce? We Did not know it at the time, but apparently it was primed for oil tapping that we had no idea of.
Shotgun in the mouth- 1….2……3 bang, trigger pulled- brains all over the tree he was against – parts of the brain on the floor. Blood everywhere, body falling ever so slowly. Face first thumping on the ground like he was worthless. Grand laughter from the hoodlums as they celebrated the murder committed, while my family screamed and hollered at the body that use to contain my father’s soul laid on the floor. For a moment I thought I saw the Angel’s coming down to collect my father’s soul and take it to heaven…….This is when I was religious…….Now I know it was the smoke from the shotgun and his head that was lingering in the air. Crazy isn’t it? Watching your father get murdered can make you see things that aren’t real. What was real was the fear my family felt as we waited for what the hoodlums would do next. They gave us a choice, leave tomorrow or else. Not much of a choice considering we saw the “or else” laying down on the ground in front of us.
Digging a hole in the middle of night is not a fun thing. Putting your father in that hole is also not pleasant. Trying to collect the remains of your fathers brain is….The sky was beautiful that night…..The stars were formed in this strange shape that I could not make out…..I think it was my father’s face….Then the stars blew up…..I was hallucinating but when I looked down at the pool of blood, that was real.
The night sky was beautiful, the ground was ugly
2 brothers, 2 sisters, mother and I were all that was left
Door broken down, 5 men walk in
Two shots…….Bang Bang……Two men go down …… 3 stare in horror at each other……My brothers……No more bullets……Death sentence
The jungle has no law, kill or be killed
Does that count as a law?
My brothers tied to a tree
Time to pay for what they did
Not in court, the jungle has no law
Gasoline poured all over the tree
Match lit… fire erupts……burning flesh
The crying of a mother who is watching her sons burn alive, is forever haunting. Numb to the core, dying alive is appropriate to use. Watching my brothers cook while tears stream down my face. I did not scream, my sisters did. They still had a heart, mine was as dark as the smoke coming from the bonfire I was watching. The night sky was ugly that day. No stars died so the sky was dark, sad and cold. The night sky was dying alive.
3 men staring at us. Time to leave, there was nothing left
My 2 sisters and I started the journey from the farm. Mother stayed behind, held captive. They are going to rap…….One star……quickly went away…. No moon…. Night sky why so lonely…. God….I was still religious.
Feet hurting, tummy rumbling, throat dry. The life of 3 women on the run, trying to reach a city that could not help. Sunrise, it was as beautiful as ever.
3 raggedy looking women hoping to get some help. Hope….I was still religious. Trying to even get a little drop of water, you never appreciate the little things until you have nothing. Did not have much at the farm, but when you have a family you have everything. Then there were 3 of us.
Nothing more dangerous than a woman looking for help, they tried to exploit us. We looked like we had nothing left in life, this was right. Where to go? What to do? How to get away?
Water, water, water…. this was the only thing we were asking for. There is a price for everything in this life, we had nothing to pay with. They wanted payment, but they wanted us to pay with our bodies. 4 people from my family paid with their bodies already. Was mom still alive?
I Saw the Angel’s come down to get my brothers souls after the bonfire……I Hallucinated again…. still religious
Still no water, feet swollen from all the walking. Saw a man who said he could help. We did not ask for any help, but he said we looked like we could use some. I wonder what gave him that idea. He said to follow, desperation makes one stupid. Finally received water to drink, it was not clean.
-Desperation makes one stupid-
We drank the water as if it would be the last drop on earth. The man said there was a way to escape the city, it was by boat. This boat would travel across to another city where there would be help. Sisters believed him, I did not. I stood at a distance from him at all times, sisters trusted him. The boat would travel by night. Slept throughout the day, but what is sleep when nightmares interrupt you?
Night came, sisters were ready, the man lead the way. It was a long walk into what seems to be a jungle. Lots of insects, foul smell that lingered longer than anybody wanted.
“RUN” …echoed throughout the jungle. 1 sister caught in the hands of 2 men. The man that could not be trusted had eyes on us. Running faster than thought possible. Sister right alongside keeping up stride for stride. The man running behind with devil on his back…still religious.
Bang Bang….shots fired…. The man stopped running but kept shooting……My sister and I still running.
The jungle has no law
Found a hiding spot, a corner at the bottom of a hill. Very hidden, which is all that could be asked for. Sister wheezing and breathing heavily. Gunshot wound to the hip. Adrenaline stopped her from feeling it, blood streaming down her shirt. Eyes wide, preparing for the end. She knows and I know this is it for her. Brave face put on; no words spoken. No prayers being asked for……Not religious anymore. Where is God? Night sky still empty .
Next morning, still wheezing. Last breaths being taken. One word ” leave” spoken by my sister who knows it’s time.
Sister…. left dying in an empty corner. What a stone cold bitch life can be
Then there was one
Came out of the corner, not sure which direction to go to. Towards the sun is the choice taken, time to go. Walking in the jungle insects everywhere, thirsty but no time for human needs. My feet are swollen from all the walking, heartbeat seems nonexistent.
Bang Bang……shots fired. The mysterious man has reappeared, no time for swollen feet. Time to run as far as I can. Heavy breathing has become part of the package, alongside running towards nothing.
Running towards the sun seems surreal
Whoa, there is a cliff
I know this is the end, I’m jumping no matter what. Man has killed my entire family……How I die will be my choice. I should stop but I won’t, I will not be a character in this game anymore. Don’t have much of a choice, its either I choose my death or the man with the gun behind me will choose for me.
The end of the cliff is getting closer and closer….I wonder what the night sky will look like tonight.
Full moon-half moon-don’t matter. Looking up at the night sky to see the dying stars shine brighter than a diamond ring is all I’m here for. Nights where the beach breeze feels like heaven on earth is what I long for.
To jump or not to jump? That is a question I do not have time for. Me and the man in the clouds have a meeting….religious?
Then there was one
Roll the end credits please…. There is nothing to see here…. There is no sequel…. This story has no happy ending.
Will the angels come to collect my soul? Who will tell the tale?
Oh father! you would have loved this view. The water looks so blue, I wonder if I will live long enough to feel it after my fall
Oh mother! I’m being brave like you taught me
Oh Man in the sky! I’m coming for you
Time to jump
-Roll the end credits-
unconsciouswriter 
“… Nights where the beach breeze feels like heaven on earth is what I long for. Skipping through the streets like a girl scout without a care in the world is what I dream of.”
— I really like the cadence/flow/rhythm of these two sentences. Ending it with “___ is what I long for.” and “___ is what I dream of” is a nice usage of parallelism. You then go on into starting the next paragraph (NICE. I am a big fan of breaking up paragraphs too, to convey the idea that you’re changing the topic; subtle, but it helps give the reader the cue to “heads up there’s a change here.” Not sure how to better describe it other than that I’m sure you know what I’m talking about from reading a lot on your own.) I think what would work better is starting the next paragraph with “death is what I’m afraid of” – just to continue parallelism from before. Three or four of parallelism is good in this case, anymore and I think you have no faith in your reader to pick up on it. What you did was on point (two parallelisms plus the almost-third in the beginning of the next paragraph) good good good
“…We Did not know it at the time, but apparently it was primed for oil tapping that we had no idea of. ”
— You can just say “We didn’t know it at the time, but it was primed for oil tapping.” Less is more!! Using “apparently” and then repeating “that we had no idea of” is redundant, you already establish ignorance by having narrator say “We didn’t know it at the time.” It may seem really nitpicky I’m saying this but it keeps happening – it artificially adds reading time to the piece the more it adds up and by the end of it (the piece itself or the sentence/paragraph/whatever) I already forgot what the point was.
——– “… Well actually he did not refuse to sell, they just offered not to kill
“Shotgun in the mouth- 1….2……3 bang, trigger pulled- brains all over the tree he was against – parts of the brain on the floor. Blood everywhere, body falling ever so slowly. Face first thumping on the ground like he was worthless. Grand laughter from the hoodlums as they celebrated the murder committed, while my family screamed and hollered at the body that use to contain my father’s soul laid on the floor. For a moment I thought I saw the Angel’s coming down to collect my father’s soul and take it to heaven…….This is when I was religious…….Now I know it was the smoke from the shotgun and his head that was lingering in the air. Crazy isn’t it? Watching your father get murdered can make you see things that aren’t real. What was real was the fear my family felt as we waited for what the hoodlums would do next. They gave us a choice, leave tomorrow or else. Not much of a choice considering we saw the “or else” laying down on the ground in front of us.”
— OK I just basically copy and pasted the entire paragraph because 1) It’s action packed, literally; 2) I see SO much potential here, the whole paragraph does its job: basically the father dies and is the first instance of a theme: narrator’s feelings surrounding religion.
—- With action packed scenes KEEP IT SHORT AND SIMPLE. Staccato! I can see you going for it with the “shotgun in the mouth. Brains all over the tree he was against. Blood everywhere.”
—– You’re going for it but then you lose it when you get to the “ever so”. Get rid of that “ever so.”
—– “Face first . Worthless.”
—– Get rid of “Grand” (Also, why is our narrator that speaks like she’s 14 or informal using the word “grand” to describe laughter? I’d expect that from an old dude or someone pretentious but she’s not that, it breaks up the mood, I’d find a different word or just better yet: omit that adverb altogether. Using the word Grand here adds to the same feeling I get when you don’t use contractions (I elaborate on this at the end of my comment in the OVERALL section)
—– at this point — you drop the shortness completely, so I wonder if it should warrant a paragraph break to indicate style switch or??…
((I’m giving you a break from some of my nitpicking and skip to a random paragraph later lol))
“…The night sky was ugly that day. [[No stars died so the sky was dark, sad and cold.]] The night sky was dying alive…” I’m not sure what the [[bracketed]] sentence is getting at – do you mean The stars DID die, and that’s why the sky was dying alive? I think I’m just not sure what these three sentences are trying to tell me.
……..
i really love parallelism. Thank you for adding that beginning paragraph to the end there, love that shit. 👌
—-
Overall:
NOT Jane’s Diary so I am more of a fan, LOL, but I suggest you take a quick look at https://getfreewrite.com/blogs/writing-success/stephen-kings-greatest-writing-advice. I’m feeling the over-description part is a pitfall your writing (style?) falls into. It’s not as rampant like Jane’s Diary Episode 2, x__x;; but you still see it (read: commentary above; if I had it printed out I’d cross out examples in person for you, this text form field doesn’t really let me do formatting \o/.) It’s ironic ’cause I’m verbose as hell and I could do a lot from listening to my own advice, but try to cut out the fluff. It’s more important than you think. Ultimately it’s your writing but if you get short-attention spanned, impatient readers like me, you’re going to lose them in the journey and they’ll never reach the destination my dude.
Something else that drives me nutty is the switching between your contractions. Sometimes the narrator will go from “I am” to “I’m” — from the start you say “Full-moon-half-moon-don’t-matter” and then you go on to use “…diamond ring is all [[I’m]] here for. You set the tone for a more informal, first person narrator, and that’s fine – but be consistent.
my dude i was gonna basically like, do a full on edit/write-up of your thing but i don’t even have the energy anymore right now aaaa, I’d add to it as I went along but because I was so focused on providing you feedback I stopped enjoying the story for what it was. I don’t want you to be disheartened by my long ass comment. I will say, alluding to that link i sent, that I am really proud of you for being able to throw your work out here for people like me to even be able to enjoy/critique. sorry if i went too hard, I think for sure if my brain was less addled and less driven by instant gratification I could dedicate an hour or two to go over stuff and talk about the beautiful hidden meanings or phrases to experiment with, but i already spent like 1~2 hrs really really analyzing this. I just didn’t even write down half of what i wanted to. ;;; i feel like i am being too mean, sry;; 😦
I focus way too much on the hangups, that I can’t find myself really seeing the overall picture, and that’s really a fault on my part, sorry 😦 but take my critique w/ a grain of salt, i’m not a professional editor by any means and i think i just have a particular style i like, so, ;;; read: i mostly enjoy poetry nowadays, <:) you can probably guess why.
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